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Shutting

I’m trying to simply things a bit and row back on my time online.

As a consequence I’m going to shut this blog and just use my other one for poetry.

My other blog is called Perditus.

I would love if you would follow me there. However if you don’t it’s been wonderful to connect and I wish you all the best.

Stuart

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The Truth

“I’m worthless”

“If I’m gone, no one would miss me”

These are the insidious thoughts that go around my head when I’m stuck in the worst of my depression.

Once my depression has passed my rational brain kicks back in and I know the dark thoughts were not true. At the time, however, when you are suffocated by depression you can’t see the truth.

If you are suffering this, my heart and thoughts go out to you and please remember the dark thoughts are not true.

Blessed Be.

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Anxiety

I suffer from OCD, depression and anxiety. The OCD is the order and checking kind not the cleaning type much to the annoyance of my family. The OCD I can work my life around even though it can be an inconvenience.

The depression comes and goes in phases. Sometimes it is relatively light others it is ferociously dark. With the depression though I know it will pass and the light will return. I just have to keep on telling myself that.

The anxiety is the worse in many ways as it is pretty random and can return at any time. Sometimes it comes on so I can’t get on a busy train or be alone at home. When it is at it’s worse my heart is pumping and I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate.

I have had all these issues for as many years as I can remember but it’s only over the last few years that I joined the dots and realised that I needed help with my mental health.

I’m not sure what message I am trying to get across with this post as it just came to me but I guess the point is don’t try to battle on alone but seek help if you think you need it.

Blessed Be.

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Simple Pilgrim

Just a simple pilgrim of life I am

A sojourner of dreams

A wayfarer of thoughts

🌑

The wonder of words is my love

The magic of music is my muse

The enchantment of art is my saviour

🌑

The unnecessity of antagonism is my adversity

The constancy of conflict is my nemesis

The abundance of intolerance is my foe

🌑

The old gnarled oak is my friend

The wise owl is my guide

The mossy battered rock is my bed

🌑

The wonders of the world never cease to amaze

I am just a simple pilgrim of life

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Eyes

As I shut my eyes

Your radiant visage is at the corner of my vision

Your presence warms my soul

Your hand guides my journey

Your wisdom allows me to see the truth

Your courage fortifies my own

🌑

I long to shut my eyes again

So I can be in your company once more

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Senses

I think we must be blind

We don’t see the world as others do

We see conflict, suffering

🌑

I think we must be deaf

We don’t hear the world as others do

We hear cries for help, pleas

🌑

I think we must be voiceless

Our voices are unheard

We shout but are just a whisper

🌑

Maybe we are in a dream

But soon will wake

And all will be as it should be

🌑

Peace, harmony and joy will prevail

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Exclusion Bullying

My daughter is suffering from bullying at school at the moment. It’s not the overt bullying that you often see but the more subtle type by use of deliberate exclusion.

This post isn’t about my daughter as we have spoken to the school and they are all over it.

My post really is about the fact that bullying can take many forms and it’s not always direct or aggressive but it still has the same negative emotional effect.

The statistics in the UK show that if someone is bullied as a child or teenager they are twice as likely to use mental health services as an adult. It’s crucial therefore that all of us as parents or otherwise are alive to this and jump in if we see it.

I like to think that there is much more awareness of bullying now and the damage it can do, especially to children, but there is still a very long way to go to deal with this problem.

Say no to bullying.

Blessed Be.

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Christmas

As I look at the Christmas Tree

I remember many Christmas past

A time for reflection of what has been

And has been done, right or wrong

🌑

But today is a new dawn, a fresh start

The future is mine and yours to choose

The tree of hope can be climbed

The ocean of compassion can be swam

🌑

Past experience shapes me

But does not define me

I am and always will be what I choose to be

And so are you

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Suffering In Silence

I like many who have suffered with mental health illness kept it to myself – it was my hidden secret.

On the outside I was my normal self but on the inside I was in a very dark place. I felt the need, however, to carry it myself and not be a burden on anyone else. I guess also that there was a part of me which didn’t want to be seen as weak.

I now see this was a terrible mistake and contributed to my downhill spirals. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, mental health illness is something that we all need help with.

There is no shame in having a mental health illness. If I had my time again I would have been more open about it and asked for help earlier.

I guess that is the key message from my post, please don’t hide it and ask for help.

Blessed Be.

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The Lion

Where did all go wrong?

Disagreements a pastime

Antagonism a belief

Apathy a life choice

🌑

Extremism on the rise

Tensions increasing

The world slowly dying

Metaphorical fires aplenty

🌑

The quiet majority

Decent, honest, caring

Voiceless

Trying to be heard over the bedlam

🌑

Their roar needs to be heard

Their heart needs to lead

Their courage needs to hold

Their strength and conviction is needed

🌑

The quiet majority

Our hope

My hope

🌑

The lion with a big heart must roar

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Acts Of Kindness

Whenever I see someone who is vision impaired I will ask them if they need help. In the main they say they are fine and I move on.

What I do notice, however, is how many people see the individual but then put their head down as if they didn’t notice.

You see something similar on the train where a lady who is pregnant gets on or someone who clearly has a physical injury and people don’t offer their seat.

In my view it’s these small acts of kindness that can make a difference to the world and maybe help brighten someone’s day.

The population of the earth is circa 7.7 billion. I like to believe if there are 7.7 billion small acts of kindness on a daily basis the world may be a slightly better place.

Blessed Be.

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Compass

Which way?

North, South, East, West

🌑

It’s difficult to locate the path

Which will give me contentment and rest

🌑

Meandering from here to there, lost In the menagerie

Hoping my compass is true and will guide me to my destiny

🌑

My honest companion, navigate my travels to the end

The journey will be long and arduous probably more than I can contend

🌑

I have the will and strength to follow this well worn track

The past is the past and I will not look back

🌑

I have had troubles more than I care to recall

By luck and love on each occasion I have just managed to avoid my downfall

🌑

I will take the journey step by step until my destination is in sight

And then I will see the glorious blazing light

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Homeless London In The Morning

I work in London and get into work around 7am. On a cold wet morning like today there are not that many people around but one thing I do notice is the homeless.

There seems to be so many homeless in London now and it feels that the number is increasing year on year.

It is pretty obvious that a high proportion of the homeless have some form of mental health illness. It feels a disgrace to me that in one of the wealthiest countries on the planet we have people having to live this way.

I see myself when I look at them, there were a few points in my life where things were at their worst when I could have been there. Unfortunately it’s not a large step from having a mental health illness to losing everything.

As a society I’m sure we can do more and as the sign says show human kindness. Politicians in particular need to end the constant stream of platitudes and actually do something.

All politicians seem to do is talk as if that is an end in itself. Words without action in my view have no value.

Politicians need to wake up, look outside their Westminster bubble and see what is going on and actually take action to do some good and help the homeless.

Blessed Be.

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Mental Health Awareness – Walk the Walk

My employer like many has increased the awareness of mental health issues in the workplace and has implemented measures to help staff who do suffer with mental health.

All this is great but it does feel to me that many employers are talking the talk rather than walking the walk. My employer for example gives all employees laptops and work phones. The idea is that this is to the benefit of staff so they can work flexibly. The downside is that you end up with a feeling that you need to be on call 24/7 and it blurs the lines between being inside work and out.

In my experience many cases of mental health issues in the workplace are caused by the workplace. This could be from unreasonable deadlines, far too much work for one person to handle or cultural issues which result in bullying etc.

For employers to walk the walk on mental health they need to focus on the causes of mental health issues in their workplace rather than just the symptoms.

An analogy I guess is they run you over in their car but want the plaudits when they arrange for the ambulance to pick you up and for you to get medical attention.

Employers need to walk the walk and focus on the causes which they can control rather than just talk the talk.

Blessed Be.

New Blog

Further to my post yesterday I’m not posting any new items as I am focusing on other things but I am collating some of my poems on another blog.

Once I’m back posting again I’ll use this one for mental health and other subjects and the other for poems.

Please feel to follow me on my other blog which is called Perditus. There will be an element of duplication as I slowly build it up!

Thank you also for your lovely words of support yesterday. They are very much appreciated.

Break

I found out today that I have a health condition that I need to focus on.

I’ve posted all my poems that I started and I’m going to take a break for a little while.

Thanks all for your wonderful support and I hope to be back soon!

Blessed Be

Stuart

Flow

I don’t want to force it

There will be times

when the thoughts flow

and others when it slows

🌑

There will be a time to put the

metaphorical pen down

If I’m gone for a while

You will know why

Everyday

A mountain

We climb everyday

A metaphysical mountain in our minds

🌑

Battles

We fight everyday

Against the darkness in our minds

🌑

Love

We have everyday

To give us strength

🌑

Hope

We have at every moment

For a better future

🌑

Life

We have

And it is precious

Finite

Three score and ten

they say

A third of life sleeping

🌑

More like two score and ten

Not long

Not enough

🌑

Time is precious

Our time is finite

What should we do

🌑

Waste on pointless conflict

Squander on closed mindedness

Or

🌑

Open our minds

Feel the world

Embrace humanity

🌑

A choice we all have

Yo-Yo

Sometimes I lose my mojo

It’s as dead as a dodo

Thankfully

it bounces back like a yo-yo

🌑

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my sanity

Watching the lack of humanity

Which leaves me with no option other than profanity

🌑

Sometimes I struggle and despair

My mind being stuck in nowhere

The result

a terrible nightmare

🌑

Most of the time though

I try my best to glow

Even though it may not show

The Forest

Lost in a dark forest I am

I’m not scared

I feel safe, comforted

At home

🌑

In the gloom

Bright eerie eyes observing

Protecting

Watching over me

🌑

No path can be seen

The moon is my guide

Following her light

I find my way

Oblique

A calling

I truly believe we all have

Sometimes it is never found

But

it is there if we look hard enough

🌑

Well hidden maybe

Evasive and oblique

But

there to be found

🌑

Mine

I’m still trying to find

Conform

Weirds of the world unite

We’re true and proud

Honest with who we are

And shine bright

🌑

Weirds of the world rejoice

We’re different and unique

Don’t want to conform

And that’s our choice

🌑

Weirds of the world be proud

Our difference

Is our strength

Shout it loud

🌑

Weirds of the world unite

Milky Way

The elusive hope

Finger tips can touch

But just out of reach

🌑

The distant light

Another star

Far as the edge of the Milky Way

🌑

The suffocating dark

Too close

Being held at arms length

🌑

The intoxicating journey

Being tirelessly travelled

Across metaphorical mountains

🌑

The sublime destination

A paradoxical mystery

A triumphal terminus

Weird

I’m different

I think

In a good way not bad

🌑

I’ve never been cool

or tried to

Never felt the need to be liked

Never felt the need for company

🌑

People would probably call me weird

or a geek

🌑

I’m a 48 year old man

Who likes comic books

Doesn’t really like sports

Men chat is alien to me

My friends are woman

🌑

I’m weird and proud of it

Tone

People’s verbal tone

Chills me to the bone

🌑

When the tone is unkind

It affects our state of mind

🌑

There is no need for this

And it shows a mental abyss

🌑

Words expressed kindly

Shine much more brightly

Wavelength

Do you ever feel

Wavelength

Discombobulation

🌑

Others seem to be

on a different wavelength to you

You’re sure you are using words

The prose tipped arrow misses the mark

🌑

You look at people close

Nothing in common you see

Our minds seem to be wired differently

Our AC to their DC

🌑

Radio, microwave, infrared, x-ray, gamma

We are all

dd dd

dd dd

dd dd

dd dd

different

Habitat

Ring tail

Adorable cutes of the Indian Ocean

Their cuddly faces

Cause a delightful emotion

🌑

Aye-aye

Madagascar is their home

We need to save their habitat

so they can continue to roam

🌑

Indri

Humankind in it’s “wisdom”

Destroys the rain forests

To expand its kingdom

🌑

Bamboo

As King Julien would say

“They are aliens! Savage aliens from the savage future!”

Let’s right our wrong and allow them to continue to play

Source

How do I feel

I don’t know

My mood

is starting to flow

🌑

By watching my poetry

I can tell

Whether the light or dark

will prevail

🌑

In my words I open my soul

To find the answers

To make myself

whole

🌑

I’ve started on a course

to find the truth

And in particular

the light and dark source

🌑

My journey is nowhere

near the end

But already I am much more

self aware

🌑

I have no doubt that

The conclusion will come

And then

peace will be arrived at

Vulnerable

We are all vulnerable

We are all brave

Vulnerable in our own ways

Brave to overcome

🌑

Our strength comes from conviction

Conviction comes from within

Within us is hope

Hope for the future we deserve

🌑

Our vulnerabilities add to who we

With vulnerabilities come strength

The strength to overcome

Prose

Writing dubious poetry

is a form of therapy for me

Allowing a myriad of random thoughts

to maybe entertain thee

🌑

In written words

I find it easier to say

Things that orally

I couldn’t find a way

🌑

The poetry allows my mind

calm and peace

And for my mental health wellbeing

to increase

🌑

So please allow my indulgence

to bombard you with prose

And trust me

It never slows

Toes

I think it’s my age

Everyday I take a nap

And I am joined by the cat

🌑

We snore together

I dream of words

I guess she dreams of birds

🌑

But together we snore

Until she nibbled my toes

And then

I swore

Nature

Watching the news

I feel the blues

All it seems to be is conflict

The world is a hostility addict

🌑

Watching nature

I find a teacher

Which as a man and boy

Filled my heart with joy

🌑

I know which of the two

We should view

As a life lesson and a mentor

And the one to disavow and

abhor

Chattels

What is happiness and joy

It is having shiny new clothes

Or the latest electronic widget

Or any material chattels

🌑

To me, yes once it was

I would spend to have my instance boost

My fix of happiness and joy

But it was a deceiver and a fraud

🌑

It tempted me with a high

But soon as it arrived it said goodbye

🌑

Now my personal possessions are few

I learnt that happiness and joy

Come from inside

And not from any external lie

🌑

Internal highs don’t say goodbye as soon as they arrive

Instead they help us to thrive

Joe Part 1

The hero of our story is called Joe

And his sidekick is Minnie the Crow

Both are mischievous as you will soon know

🌑

Today they are at the park

Pretending that Mrs Miggins is doing a loud fart

Along comes the park warden

Whose name is Mr Gordon

With this Joe and Minnie run

But not before Minnie pecks Mr Gordon’s bum

🌑

Now at the high street shops

Joe and Minnie try to buy some lager tops

The shopkeeper asked Joe’s age

With which Joe gets in a rage

Minnie does what crows do

And did a massive poo

🌑

Joe and Minnie ran again

But found it had started to rain

They head to the cinema to see a movie

Which goes by the title of Groovy

As they had not enough money they try to sneak in

Which they managed which left Joe with a big grin

🌑

Once the movie was done

They thought they had better run

Our heroes left with a cheer as they didn’t pay

And had avoided a horrible school-day

Once Joe got home

His Mum asked where he had been to roam

🌑

Joe denied it all

But his Mum was no fool

And with that Joe

Dinner had to forgo

And Minnie did what crows do

And did another massive poo

Groan

The thought of going back to work

🌑

Feels me with dread

I much rather be in bed

🌑

Desperately trying to move in the morning

Whilst I’m constantly yawning

🌑

I consider the day I am not ready to confront

As I put on my underwear back to front

🌑

I struggle to do my tie

Whilst saying to myself why oh why

🌑

In a daze I go downstairs thinking of my bed

On the hall ceiling I nearly bang my head

🌑

Whilst I am thinking of this or that

I nearly fall over the cat

🌑

I need my morning tea

But I’m worried that I’ll need to wee

🌑

I put on my coat to leave the home

With a loud audible groan

🌑

I leave the house

As quiet as an elephant mouse

🌑

Then I close the door

And I’m off to work once more

Spark

Is my soul good

I don’t know

Is it bad

I don’t think so

🌑

I am true

I try to be

But for others to judge

If they can see

🌑

Do I have regrets

More than many

In the future I’m sure

There will be plenty

🌑

A day at a time

Is all I do

The future for me

Will not be blue

🌑

I will have my moments

When all seems dark

But I will know

That there will be a spark

🌑

The light will return

A new day will break

And after a while

My positive mind will wake

The Frosted Window

What is so entrancing about a frosted window

Is it the way the light flows through like a kaleidoscope

Or is it because the world flowing through seems surreal, unreal

🌑

Maybe it’s because it’s like our minds

The world is not seen as it is

But like a dream, distant, somewhat removed

🌑

The frosted window

Our mind’s view of the world

I Long

I long to just once more

Look into your eyes

To see the glint

As you look at me

🌑

I long to just once more

Look at your smile

To see the anticipation

As you smile at me

🌑

I long to just once more

Touch your soft skin

To feel your beauty

As you touch me too

🌑

I long to just once more

Kiss you on the lips

To feel you again

As you kiss me too

🌑

I long

Pure

Silver white in the haze

Magical and mystical

It is impossible not to gaze

With the bright sun reflecting

Your majestic horn appears ablaze

🌑

With a heart so pure

Even evil is afraid

You help to reassure

That there is good

When we feel unsure

🌑

As the gusty wind blew

I’m sure

I saw a glimpse of you

Billy

Billy the Vampire

Sat on a spire

🦇

Billy the Vampire

Got out some wire

🦇

Billy the Misunderstood

Broke off some wood

🦇

Billy the Bat Boy

Made a toy

🦇

Billy the Talk of the Town

Flew down

🦇

Billy the Monochrome

Left the toy outside a child’s home

🦇

Billy the Sad

Was not so bad

Sleep

As my mental health gets worse, the more disrupted my sleep gets until I get to the point I can’t sleep, however, tired I am.

For me therefore my sleep pattern is an indication of my mental health. I think for others too it is the same and therefore keeping an eye on how well we are sleeping is important.

In the past when I used to have trouble sleeping I used to drink to help me sleep. This was a massive mistake as not only is any sleep you get from drinking large quantities of alcohol not restful sleep but more importantly it gets you into a dependency to need to drink to “sleep”. Alcohol also magnifies any mental health issues you are suffering from. So in my case it made my depression so much worse.

I think the message from my post is keep an eye on your sleeping pattern and if you are having trouble talk to a medical professional rather than try to self medicate the issue away.

Blessed Be.

Fate

Fate

Who tosses the coin to discover the outcome

🌑

Fate

Who balances out the Karma

🌑

Fate

Who determines whether actions are good or bad

🌑

Fate

Are we the drivers or just the passengers

🌑

Fate

The drivers we are, following a map of our choosing

Sometimes the destination is known

Sometimes a magic mystery tour

with destination unknown

🌑

Fate

Our choices have consequences

Both good and bad

Good choices can have bad consequences

Bad choices can have good consequences

🌑

Fate

Never-ending

Unfathomable

Always outpacing us

Me

Since I started this blog I have expressed myself more than I think I could in any other way.

The poetry has allowed me to express emotions that normally I would keep deep down. Expressing my thoughts on other subjects close to my heart such as mental health has helped me more than I could ever imagine.

With all my posts I feel like a weight is being lifted from my shoulders. I’ve always had a feeling that something was missing in my life. I could never put a finger on it and still can’t but I’m hoping my writings and all your wonderful support will help me find it.

Blessed Be.

Ps the picture is me.

A Flicker

The light

Where does it come from

The radiant sun

The enigmatic moon

Our undying beliefs

The unending cosmos

Perchance it does

🌑

The light

Undeterred, exists in all

Sometimes a blazing furnace

Others seeming lost

But still there, hidden

Just a flicker

Waiting to be found

🌑

The light

Our heart

Our soul

Always burning

Always there

Somewhere

The fiery hearth warms our hand

Our belief warms our heart

Alone in a crowded room we are happy to stand

Where others couldn’t bear to be apart

🌑

Our strength is the mind

Our weakness is compassion

The truth we can normally find

But can’t look at the world without dispassion

🌑

How can compassion be a weakness you ask

Because we feel everyone’s pain

And then saving becomes our task

Whereas some may refrain

🌑

Some of us are lost in nowhere

But it you follow our sound

We may be somewhere

And can possibly be found

Journey

As Christmas and New Year fast approaches it feels like the appropriate time to reflect on 2019 and look forward to 2020.

I guess that 2019 has been a year of continuity and at the same time change. I have continued my journey in addressing my mental health illness head on with some slumps along the way. I now understand myself a lot better and that is I think a large part of the journey. In the past I had my head in the sand and waited for the next spiral.

Change I guess is WordPress and the amazing people I have met on here. In 2018 I took up art again and in 2019 I have had a stab at poetry and used this platform to get various thoughts and views out of my head.

I see 2020 as I continuation of 2019. I will continue to follow the path that I am on. The destination is a mystery but I am enjoying the journey and that is key to life in my view. It is clear to me now that the journey is equally important as the destination.

Finally I would like to wish all you amazing WordPressErs a fantastic Christmas and New Year.

Blessed Be.

Stuck

Stuck

Between the proverbial rock

And the iconic hard place

I am

🌑

Stuck

Impotently trying to move

Searching for an escape

Maybe I’m not

🌑

Stuck

A shimmering fissure appears

Glorious bright light bursting through

No I’m not

🌑

Stuck

Hope and willpower drives me

Squeezing through the narrow gap

Salvation

Pondering

Yesterday my daughter asked my wife why don’t we see nanny and grandad. My wife replied because they were not very nice to daddy as a child and also when he was an adult. My daughter pondered for a while and asked if her auntie, my sister, saw them. My wife replied no.

My daughter pondered a bit more, seem to accept that and moved on as kids do.

However, it never ceases to amaze me how perceptive kids are. They seem to be able see through the noise and get to the heart of the matter and see the truth.

Whether this is because they don’t have the lifetime of baggage, I don’t know, but they see the world and situations in a different way to adults. It’s more pure, more honest, more to the point.

It a shame we all lose a bit of this as we get older.

Blessed Be.